Monday, December 29, 2008

Top 3 Worst Christmas Gifts of All Time

Here we go!

3. The most God-awful sweater ever made. A gift from my Mother-In-Law the first year that JeepMan and I were dating. It defies explanation.

Suffice to say it was knitted in olives, pumpkins, browns, hot pinks, and yellows. Colors which, mostly, I would never wear individually, and which were heinous in concert. There were 4 panels woven into the front, each featuring a 3D texture...one of which had dangling balls, right over the boob.

You'll be glad to know I smiled and thanked her. In the car later, JeepMan asked me: "You aren't really going to WEAR that thing, are you?"

To this day I am unsure if she really thought I'd like it, or if it was re-gifted (she's since been caught red-handed doing just that), or if it was a not-so-subtle "you're not good enough for my only son, beeyatch!" kind of gift.

Oh well, I'm still here...take that!!

2. (Formerly #1) A six-pack of underwear from my Grandmother. I was about 13, at that age where everything embarassed me. And I opened these. In front of my entire extended family.

Oh, did I mention they were USED? Yeah. They had once been my mom's!!

My darling Grandma had saved them all these years because you could "hardly tell they'd been worn," and she thought I'd like to have them. God bless her; she lived through the Depression and she saves everything.

Again, I smiled and thanked her, then shoved them deep down into a bag. When we got in the car later, my mom told me gently, "When we get home, you can throw those things away. I can't believe she gave them to you!" I'd never been so relieved!

1. We have a new #1 this year, thanks to JeepMan's Uncle Mike. MIL's brother. He works sporadically, usually as a painter (of structures, not fine arts). He rarely has any money, what he makes he spends on cigarettes and beer. We never expect him to get us anything, and we've told him that before. Still, he insists. Usually I open his gift, smile, nod, and think, "well, it's the thought that counts."

This year was different. JeepMan opened our gift from Uncle Mike and what to our wondering eyes did appear? A gallon-sized ZipLoc bag full of coffee. In individual 4-cup packages. In an interesting coincidence, this summer Uncle Mike had painted the interior of a church and some dorms....places where one might find just such packages of coffee.

There had to be 25-30 packets stuffed into this plastic baggie. JeepMan and I just stared at it. Uncle Mike said, "You guys drink coffee, don't you?" We just nodded. And carefully laid the bag aside.

A gallon bag of stolen coffee. My new #1 worst Christmas present ever!!

"When even the thought doesn't count!!"

Anyone else want to share?

18 comments:

Monnik said...

oh wow. That's crazy.

What was he thinking?!!

And the underwear thing is hysterical. You must have been really embarrassed because I don't remember you ever telling me about that!

JaneyV said...

I must've erased them from my mind because I can't beat those doozies - although Hubby did give me a garden sheers for Valentine's Day our first year together. It's a testament to my belief in his potential that we're still together 16 years later. And the presents are much better now.

Drofen said...

Probably the worst gift I've been given was a wedding gift. Rather than buy us something off of say, our registry, one of my wife's relatives saw fit to buy us clear plastic dinnerware with large sunflowers... But even worse, I distinctly and acutely remember the worst gift I've ever given, unbeknownst to me. I think I'm going to write a post about it, hehe, I'll link to you. Look for it in the morning, :)

Mrs. Schmitty said...

I don't know...I think the underwear takes the top place. Ewww!!!

It's the thought that counts, right?

BlueBella said...

OMG I NEEEEEEED to see a picture of the sweater!!!!!

Tiff said...

I remember the underwear. And I remember being glad you got them instead of me ;-)

Mom In Scrubs said...

Wish I had a pic of the sweater... pretty sure I don't. I really wish I'd kept the darn thing for posterity!

Gretchen said...

One year my MIL found a delightful rhinestoned sweater - with the KC Chiefs logo!

I'm sure there's a picture of your sweater somewhere...

Whirlochre said...

Many years ago, when the fluff on my face began turning to Man Hair, I had a linked series of gifts based loosely around the theme of shaving. First, the razor. Then the shaving brush. Then the foam. Then the bag to keep it in. And finally, a bottle of Pagan Man aftershave that stank of gay wrestlers.

I think I was about 16 at the time and after I'd opened all my stuff (oh — there was also a little flanel to go with the bag), I did what I always did with my toys, ie played with them.

So — I went into the bathroom to have a shave and cut my face to ribbons.

Other than that, my fave present was a huge chunk of Stilton I got from my junk-hoarding aunt that was two years past its sell-by date. It was brown, it was 100% liquid, it was vile.

Debbielou said...

We definitely need to see the sweater !

My present from Malc was not one but 2 framed photos and a painted picture signed by -wait for it -

"Cheeta !!!!!!!! " - you know - as in Tarzan and Johnny Weismuller -

He did live to survive Christmas dinner - just !

Cloudia said...

LOL! Wonderful littany of misfired gifts. MMMMM, stolen coffee!
Wishing you a happy new year; Aloha-

Prisca said...

AH! Gotta love those family gifting rituals--thnaks for the laugh! :)

laughingwolf said...

happy new year, mis :D

writtenwyrdd said...

The stolen coffee cracked me up. So...obvious, yet so bizarre.

Merry Monteleone said...

I think the stolen coffee is awesome!!!

And I think the sweater was likely handpicked to scare you off, but I don't know your MIL, so I probably shouldn't say that...

Thanks for the laugh, and happy new year!!!

laughingwolf said...

i'm still shaking my head over those three... and forgot what i was going to add :O

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

LOL...and i thought the socks and underwear my MIL gave me one year was bad...you definetly win..

That's just to damn funny....

Jess said...

Stolen coffee is the best (and worst) Christmas present EVER. Totally awesome. What would you do without this guy? He's great for story value alone. :) LOL!